This is what my place looks like right now and yes it is stressful.

Yesterday I woke up at 6:00a and lugged all the boxes from the car up the stairs to my current, tiny, temporary condo. I have no idea how this packing is going to work in such a limited space. Even with the boxes broken down there isn’t much space to work with. I decide that is a problem for future me, I know it will work out somehow.

I meet up with my child and we go to lunch and then to look at appliances. I have promised myself I am not buying anything until I am physically standing in my new place but getting a stove and refrigerator will be a priority. When I first realized I was going to have to get these items I was a little bummed but quickly realized I am actually grateful. I can get exactly what I want which for me means a minimum of bells and whistles. I take pictures of tags and feel better knowing I can find ones I like.

On the way home I stop and get a new battery put in my watch. I have to park far away and trek across hot asphalt under the scorching sun. Why are all these people out in this heat? Why am I out in this heat?

I head home drenched in sweat and vow not to leave the condo again this weekend.

I spend the rest of the day watching “Ride or Die” and measuring all the furniture making the move. I can’t bring myself to start packing boxes though. Tomorrow is another day.

And now it is tomorrow.

I decide to post about my journey. Old school long form. No pretty pictures or making it look easy. Simple reality without filters or hidden corners. I woke up super early again and checked FB for boxes. There is a post of a neat pile of broken down boxes and five dish boxes filled with packing paper. Perfect! I send a message and wait to hear back. I have vowed not to venture into the heat today but I will for this pickup, if I am lucky enough to get it.

For now I am going to put on an audiobook and pack a few boxes of books. Starting with my Agatha Christie’s because then I can pile boxes in front of the shelf.

How did this picture end up so tilted?

Scary fact #1: I have about 40’ of books. (I measured my bookshelves and did some math and that is what I came up with, forty feet of books, give or take a foot or two!) How many boxes will that translate to?

I take a break and hydrate and start making lists. I set up a small, three section notebook:

One section for the drive to Wisconsin. My route, hotels and what to take in the car will go here. The next section I put in room measurements and will add measurements of the furniture I am taking. The last section is for a list of all the boxes and contents. In theory this will help me find things after I move. I have done it before and technically it works, but trying to find one particular box in a sea of boxes is never easy.

For this move I have bought a multi-pack of duct tape in six different colors. I am thinking this will be easier to see than little dots or trying to find a number written on one side.

I get a popsicle and watch two episodes of “Ride or Die”. I am done for the day.

But all the emotions are blanketed with a thin coat of peace. This is it. My next phase of life is here.

Childhood was phase I. A twenty-one year military career was phase II. Motherhood came next. And now retirement. Active retirement, still young enough to travel and spend my free time pretty much however I want. There will be a fifth phase, hopefully, of quiet retirement, spent in a more sedentary, reflective way.

But first I have to get to my preferred retirement location. Back to the four seasons world. A town big enough to have everything I need and small enough to be convenient. I believe I have found that place. I visited multiple towns in Wisconsin last summer and fell in love with Oshkosh. I have no doubt about my choice.

I debated a lot between a house and a condo. I love the idea of a place with quirky nooks, original woodwork, built in cupboards. I did not love the idea of mowing grass and shoveling snow and having to worry about the gutters and the roof. A condo made so much more sense.

I spent a lot of time looking on-line. Making lists, what I liked, what was missing. I had my criteria and a list of likely communities. I booked a VRBO for an October house hunting trip. And I kept my eye on Zillow.

And I saw it, the first condo that met all my criteria: first floor, attached garage, screened in porch, in-unit laundry room with utility sink, eat-in kitchen, views, storage and between 1000’ and 1500’. It was a flip: all new flooring, new kitchen, freshly painted white walls, mostly updated bathrooms. I slept on it and the next day called the realtor and arranged a video walk through. He was the seller as well and we negotiated a price. I took a few hours to think about it as well as reviewing the home inspection and condo docs. And decided to go for it.

I cancelled the VRBO, transferred money and e-signed the docs. I now own my phase IV retirement home. Wisconsin here I come!

I officially stopped looking at Instagram today. I realized it did not spark joy so I decided enough. But I still wanted a space to write and post pictures. So here I am on Substack. Not to make money. Not to hit a certain number of subscribers. But to document my life in a different way from my journal and planner.

Let’s start with a condensed version of my life so far:

Born and raised in Baltimore, Maryland. My mother died when I was eleven of breast cancer and my childhood abruptly ended. I graduated from high school in 1984 when I was seventeen and a month later left for Air Force basic training.

I became an imagery analyst and was stationed in Omaha, Nebraska, then a year in Korea and then back to Omaha. I spent ten years on active duty and left in 1994. During that time I obtained my college degree from the University of Nebraska at Omaha.

I moved to western New York State and joined the Air National Guard. I got my commission and became an Intelligence Officer. I spent the next ten years doing a lot of deployments. I moved from being a part-timer in New York to being a full-time GS employee in Pennsylvania and finally to Montana as an AGR.

And then I had enough. I loved my military time but at the age of forty I decided to have a child. I retired, got pregnant and got married. At the age of forty-one I had my child in 2007.

In 2010 my husband got the civilian job with the Air Force that he wanted and we moved to Tucson. I tried to love it but ended up just making the best of things. Since about five minutes after moving here I have been counting down to 2026, when my child will graduate from high school.

Shortly after my child was born I learned a few surprising things about my husband and knew the marriage wasn’t going to last. But I didn’t want our child to suffer so we stayed together, not as a couple but as a family. We lived in the same house (separate bedrooms in Tucson) and ate dinner together and traveled and went camping. We did all the family things. I got to be a stay at home mom and he had someone to do everything for him. Cook, laundry, pay bills, parent, shopping etc. (The man couldn’t even buy a pair of pants by himself!). But he wasn’t abusive or an alcoholic or anything. Just incredibly lazy and I later learned a narcissist. But I wanted our child to have equal access to both parents so I stayed.

The pandemic put an end to the living in the same house but I stayed in the city. I don’t regret it. I feel like my child is better for having both parents nearby. But they are eighteen now. They are looking at colleges in various states and will probably end up in another state. I feel like my obligation to stay near his father will be done with their graduation. That I will be free to pursue the next phase of my life.

Military career and retirement secured? Check.

Full-time motherhood? Complete.

Retirement? The sky is the limit. Within reason of course.

So this is where I am. In the planning stage. The dreaming stage. The decision making stage. What do I want the next twenty years (more or less) to look like?

Stay tuned.

My child is a Senior in high school but 18, an adult in so many ways. I was 41 when I had them and retired from the military to be a stay at home mom. I am a big believer that women can have it all, just not all at the same time. I had a wonderful, guilt free career and then a wonderful, guilt free, very hands on parenting experience. Christmas was a big deal lasting the whole month of December and into January while he was growing up.

But those days are over now. And I am good with a simpler holiday season. Less gifts, less cooking, less dashing here and there.

I worked a half day on Christmas Eve and when I got home I did a quick vacuum and tidy. Then the child and I decorated cutout cookies I made last weekend. I found a new recipe for chocolate cookies and rolled them out thick and they (to my surprise) held their shape and are super yummy. We smeared on a thin layer of frosting and then went crazy with the sprinkles.

After that we opened stockings, made dinner together, fettuccine Alfredo, and then opened gifts. Played with the cats and their new toys and then had dessert. Homemade chocolate chip cheesecake. And then the child left for his father’s house. I was disappointed we didn't talk more or play games but such is life right now.

Christmas Day was very quiet, in a good way. I laid in bed reading the short story “The Apple Tree” by Daphne DuMaurier and petting the cats curled up with me.

Tea and cookies for breakfast while I baked a small homemade turkey potpie made weeks ago and stored in the freezer. Watched the movie “The Holiday” and cried a little at the end at how perfect everything was. I decided to take a shower to make myself feel better and wondered what the movie characters lives would be like a year later. Not so perfect I decided and felt much better.

I decided to re-watch “Ted Lasso” and on the pilot episode I noticed how he had one pillow in the middle of the bed and I wondered why I didn’t do that. So I moved a set of pillows out of the way and slept more comfortably in the middle of the bed.

Christmas night I made myself a cheese sandwich and watched the Bronco’s win and went to bed quite happy.

Boxing Day (Friday, the 26th) I worked another half day. Not because I really wanted to but to make life easier for my client and his wife. (I am a caregiver or home health aide to a disabled veteran in his 80’s.)

On the way home I replaced the windshield wiper that someone stole Christmas Eve/Day. It was raining on my way to work Friday morning but I made a choice to be relieved that it was the passenger side and not the driver’s side and was able to get to work safely and on-time. Next I stopped at the library to pick up two books I reserved.

Once home I saw the empty laundry room and did my laundry for the week, ate the leftover potpie and worked on setting up my diary for 2026. And that wrapped up Christmas proper and set the stage for a perfect two day weekend of quiet and projects. Books and puzzles and painting. Writing and reading. All a girl can dream of.

For my job as a caregiver I wear scrubs to work. All my pants are gray and most of my tops are solid colors. But my socks are another story.

I wear colorful socks year around. It makes me happy to be just the tiniest bit silly. I find the older I get the less mature I want to be. I was always a practical, hard working rule follower but lately… I have decided I am getting a little tired of being a mundane adult. First socks. Who knows what is next!

One positive thing I can say about living in the desert is that we have some marvelous sunsets. This is due primarily to all the dust in the air. Apparently dust can make a work of art.

In the autumn and winter Sundays are reserved football. My primary AFC team is the Buffalo Bills because I lived in Buffalo for a few years. My primary NFC team is the Green Bay Packers because of my planned move to Wisconsin.

But really I love football in general and root for any of the Midwest teams that are doing well. I shy away from the large market teams and ignore the west and east coast teams. I am happy for the Detroit Lions and rooting big time for the Denver Bronco’s, another place I have lived. I will always Boo the New England Patriots (that history of cheating!) and the Dallas Cowboys just because. They are not America’s team. They aren’t even Texas’ team!

I do have a hard time just sitting and watching a whole football game much less two back to back but I love having the games on while working on a project. My condo has a nice setup and I can bake cookies or wrap gifts and still see the tv. I also like to work on needlework projects or coloring. Something simple to keep my hands busy. I am excited about moving up north and having an unneeded excuse to hunker down on Sundays. Throw some chili in the crockpot and make a batch of cornbread and watch the snow fall. I can’t wait. (It was 85° here on Sunday, 20° warmer than average, so sad.)

Dear St. Nicholas,

I am not sure if adults ever write to you. Are we even allowed to? I have decided to take a chance and give it a try.

The year 2025 was filled with many blessings for which I am very grateful. The year 2026 is going to be filled with many changes and decisions. I know it is up to me to use my courage to listen to my brain and my heart. I know I have both the book smarts and the common sense to make good choices. I know I need to focus on making the right choices for right now and not dither over the “perfect” choices or get bogged down thinking too long term. I accept that parts of the year will be scary and hard and exhausting.

I feel like I have a realistic view of the coming year and that at the end all the work and stress and cost will be worth it. What I am wondering was if you could maybe sprinkle a little good luck dust every now and again? And maybe a sign or two that I am on the right track? I would really appreciate it.

Merry Christmas and best wishes to both you and the MRS.

Love,

Tracey

I am sitting at my kitchen table trying to finish up my Holiday cards. I have a view to the north that when I look past the parking lot, another building and a bunch of satellite dishes I can see the mountains. The sun is shining and the day is warm. Doors and windows open warm. Despite all the decorations I can’t feel the season. Once it gets dark and my fairy lights click I hope to feel a bit of the spirit.

I have quiet today. A pocket of empty time. I think about how two weeks from now Christmas will be over. There are eighteen days left in the month, the year. I have been waiting for 2026 forever. 2026 is my year of change, the next phase of my life beginning. It is thrilling and terrifying. I am overwhelmed by all the decisions I have to make.

But I don’t need to make any decisions today. I need to write little notes of happiness and send them to far flung friends. I need to savor this period of solitude: birds chirping, the scent of “Farmhouse Christmas” wax melts and fresh baked chocolate chip cookies, the angle of the sun on the Christmas tree, the soft fur of my kitten who will not be ignored.

An oasis in the sea of the holidays.

Timer one: The lights in the kitchen window are on when I get home from work. A colorful glow to welcome me home. And I can go to bed early and leave them on for others to enjoy as the timer will switch them off.

Timer two: The lights in my bedroom. I can climb into bed with the lights on and watch them for awhile, knowing they will click off around 10:00p.

Timer three: Lights above my desk. Placed there because the cats can’t get at them!

Do that one tiny thing that will make your life easier, you won’t regret it.

P.S. All my photos are of real life. I don’t curate or edit things out or move stuff around. I take photos of how my life really is. To the right of my desk is the floor lamp the kitten knocked over, shattering the bulbs and glass shades. So for now I have just moved it out of the way. On the left are gift wrapping supplies, kept handy for the time being.

I went to the post office today and found a very long line. I was so proud of myself for getting my packages ready to mail early. I stood there in line in disbelief. There were at least ten people in front of me and only two clerks. At first I felt annoyed and then decided to be happy I was getting the task done. Who knows how long the lines will be the rest of the month.

I was happy my boxes were in two bags, easily moved along. I had the Christmas book I am currently reading with me. I had my water bottle. I settled in for the duration.

The gentlemen in front of me had a cane and a receipt for a package to pick up. We slowly moved up and then there was a chair to our right. The gentleman sat down and told me he had Parkinson’s. There was still quite a line until we reached the clerks and I told him that I would hold his place if he wanted to stay seated until we got to the head of the line. He said that would be great and I asked if he was only there to pick up a package. He said yes and I wondered why they didn’t have someone working just mail pick up. I have seen this a number of times when someone will come out from the back and take care of those customers.

A postal clerk was at one of the stations that wasn’t open doing something with a package. Before I even thought about it I walked over and asked her if she could get the package for the gentleman. I pointed him out in the chair. She hesitated and then decided not to be a grinch about it and called the man over.

I was kind of surprised I did that. I am not a timid person but the post office was obviously busy and for myself I had accepted that. But it seemed wrong to make a person with a physical disability stand in line for so long. (I was in the post office more than 40 minutes.) I’m so glad the clerk said yes and I was able to leave feeling good about the situation.

Now I am wondering how many other opportunities I have missed over the years to help someone in a small way. And how many opportunities I will now notice in the future.

Did you know that St Nicholas’ favorite meal is spaghetti with meatballs? This was according to my young child when we first celebrated “Santa’s birthday”. Yes, I know 6 December is the Feast Day for St. Nicholas not his birthday, but I put my own spin on things. I had a very specific reason for starting this tradition, I wanted to have a story to tell when my child learned the truth about Santa Claus. Here is that story:

St. Nicholas was a real person who lived a long time ago. He gave gifts and money to people who were in need. When he died people wanted to continue his generosity and “Santa Claus” was born. This is why we donate toys to charity and why I am “Santa Claus” for you. And now that you know the truth it will be your turn to be Santa Claus for others.

It sort of worked. At least I felt better when he learned the truth. And we still enjoy spaghetti and meatballs on the 6th of December.

This year we celebrated yesterday because the child will be with their dad. This may be the last year we celebrate St. Nicholas day. My child is a senior in high school and this time next year they will be away at college. I suspect I will still make spaghetti with meatballs for dinner on December 6th, though it won’t taste as good without them.

It was a bit of a day today. I had an MRI scheduled at 1:30p and I am one of those people that when they have an appointment it ruins the rest of the day. But I wanted to get things done so I did my yoga and took a shower and randomly decided I wanted to clean the rug in the living room. But I needed to make the meatballs for dinner first so there I was making meatballs and toast and tea. Toast because I couldn’t eat two hours prior to the MRI and I typically don’t eat until noon or 1:00p. But I wanted something in my stomach, hence the toast.

So I found myself hurrying for no particular reason. And this happened:

I took a deep breath, cleaned up the egg and put the meatball mixture aside. I sat down and ate my now cold toast and drank my tea (which was kinda the perfect temperature actually). Then I made a list of all I wanted to accomplish this weekend and saw that it really wasn’t that much.

After I made the meatballs I decided to start decorating. I put lights in the kitchen window, held in place with zip ties and painter’s tape. Taking bets on how long until it falls down or is helped down by a kitten. And then put various garlands everywhere, all up high because of the kitten.

The meatballs came out of the oven and smelled so good. They have parmesan cheese in them, yummy.

After the MRI I stopped at Trader Joe’s for a few items, not quite beating the crowds. When I got home I felt wiped out.

I cooked our dinner and we decorated our small tree. Right now I am living in a small condo and my bigger tree wouldn’t have worked out very well. But I confess I am thrilled with how little work this tree took and it’s homey look. We put garlands of popcorn and cranberries from Hobby Lobby and two sets of ornaments I made more than twenty-five years ago. They were kits, one set of wooden ornaments that I painted and one set of stained glass where you put the beads in the spaces and baked them. And just a few unbreakable round ornaments in red, white and green.

I do miss some of my other ornaments but hopefully they will only stay packed away for this year.

I will clean the carpet tomorrow, probably. :)

1. I had gotten my car washed in the morning and then found myself driving home in an un-forecasted rain.

2. I got cut off by cars making right turns on red not once, but twice. And the first time I was in the middle lane and they came all the way over.

3. The Christmas music radio channel had nothing but ad after ad so I gave up.

This is why I need to retire. I am tired of the bad drivers here. My personal feeling is the only place that has worse drivers than Tucson is New Jersey. And you can make arguments for many places but I am sticking to my guns on this one. People here are just plain rude.

Weather forecasters only get hot and sunny right. Anything else is a surprise.

And it is my own fault for driving a car so old my only choice is local radio stations. No satellite radio or bluetooth in my 2001 beloved Saab.

But walking into my house I was cheered by the timer working on my Christmas lights and I lit my little electric fireplace. I accomplished the two tasks I had set for myself (moving a lamp and paying two bills) before settling down with a mug of cocoa and the next episode of “The Beast in Me”.

And all was right with the world.

I was rather looking forward to a five day weekend when the client’s wife came down with a bad cold or virus. I took her to the urgent care on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. On Wednesday it was obvious she was going to need some time to rest to get better. So I offered to work both Friday and Saturday so she could take care of herself instead of her husband.

And on Monday the first of December I decided I needed a down day or at least a down morning. I decided to stop ignoring the mild sinus headache and sore threat, allergy related I think (hope). It was time for some self-care. Instead of jumping out of bed to clean and decorate I lingered in bed. I hurkle- durkled. And it was lovely. A cup of tea and a slice of pumpkin pie for breakfast with the cats curled up on the bed with me.

Remember to take care of yourself this month. It has been my experience that anything important always gets done and that we waste a lot of time and energy on doing things that really aren’t all that important. Don’t be afraid to put yourself in time out once in awhile this month. Listen to your body. Ask yourself what is important to you, right now, and do that. No regrets!

PS. I ended up spending most of the day in bed. I got up and watched a movie and ate a bowl of oatmeal. I was on my way to take a shower and somehow ended up back in bed, falling asleep while listening to a podcast. After getting up to eat a sandwich I did my writing session with a good friend (on-line) before brushing my teeth and crashing for the night. And the next day I got up early and caught up on all those not so important tasks, easy-peasy.

This time next year my child and I will most likely be in different states. They will be in college and I am moving back to the four season world. We moved to Arizona in 2010 and one of my favorite activities here has been going to the Arts and Crafts festival at Reid Park every Thanksgiving weekend. The weather has cooled off and the festival is a nice size without being too overwhelmingly large. And parking is easy.

When my child was born (in Montana) I started the tradition of getting them an ornament specifically for them to use on their own tree one day. The first year here in Arizona we went to the festival and found a large number of vendors had ornaments. A new tradition was born of them picking out their own ornament. It is a wonderfully diverse collection and one of those small things that creates deep feelings for me. We put the year on each ornament and once they could write they did it themselves.

I told myself to simply enjoy this last festival and wait to see what new traditions the future holds. So many changes to come and my goal is to embrace the wonder of a new stage of life, for both of us.

So this was the last year of the festival tradition. I feel lucky to know it was the last year and being able to say a proper good-bye. My child recognized it too and chose a small metal ornament of a cactus in remembrance of their last festival here in Arizona.

When my child (now 18!) was growing up we had a stack of holiday books and read a different one every night at bedtime for advent. This tradition stopped a number of years ago and I really miss it. Two years ago I decided to re-invent the tradition for myself. Build my own reading list. A book or books with twenty-four or twenty-five chapters or short stories. It has to be twenty-four or twenty-five. I like the simplicity of having defined reading amounts to look forward to. I typically do my advent reading at bedtime. A quiet holiday pause at the end of my day. A few years ago I got the book “ The Christmas Chronicles” as a Christmas gift I and put it away for the next year… and forgot about it. This year I pulled it down from the shelf and was thrilled to discover that the first story, “The Autobiography of Santa Clause” has twenty-four chapters. The perfect advent read was just sitting there on my holiday shelf waiting for me. A marvelous start to the festive season.

In case you are wondering I read the same two books the first two years. Jan Karon’s “Shepherds Abiding” which has ten chapters and Maeve Binchy’s “This Year it Will Be Different” which has fifteen wonderful short stories.

I would love to find some more books for future advent reading so please share if you have any recommendations.

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